Musings of the Silver Cat

   




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You'll find the cards here: Growing Love, Puzzle Love, Valentine and Hearts

The other day, I followed the Apple Keynote through Twitter and live blogs. I've never been really interested in following things, even though I'm a Mac girl since the first little MacPlus. This time though I got caught up in the general madness that surrounded the event.

Then when I saw the first pics of the new iPad I was amazed, but not very impressed. I'm poor and this would certainly be one of the fun toys for the rich kids. Then I started to read and the more I read the more hooked I got. I wanted to scream: "I want one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I read Stephen Fry's great article about the iPad and agree with it, but I still feel there are a few things to add to the subject. I won't go into the pad jokes or join in the chorus of negative thoughts about the name. I do think they could have chosen something better, but on the other hand, I'm not 12, I can say the word pad without giggling. There are other product names with the word pad in it that no one says anything about.

These are the main reasons for me to wanting to get one and those reasons are also why I think it will be a huge success:

1) The reasonable price - Not everyone can afford, for instance an iPhone or a laptop. So in this respect the iPad is better.

2) The size - It's a lot more portable than a laptop.

3) The quality - Compared to a Netbook, the screen is a lot better if the ad videos can be trusted.

4) The programs - What other gadget can run both the iPhone apps and the wonderful Mac programs like the iWork and iLife packages?

5) Cuteness - Silly reason I know, but it's a lot more beautiful and cute than other small devices like the ugly Kindle for instance, or the idiotic pink eees.

6) The productivity - Portability in combination with usability. Big keyboard but still easy to bring with you. Will be a must for journalists, bloggers and writers.

7 ) Practical - With the iBook program, you can read e-books just as easy as you can with a regular book on a device that is very portable.

Someone clever once said that people could be divided into two groups. Angels and balloon poppers. Angels are those who make you feel better. Those who make you strong. They are rare and wonderful people that you need to nurture to keep in your life.

The balloon poppers are those who do their best to crush your dreams. Those who drag you down. They live to make other people feel small and insignificant so they themselves can grow.

I would add a third group to that saying. Those who don't give a damn about you, the in between people. In my world, that's the biggest group. People who just ignore you. Those who turn their backs on you. They might talk to you when no one else is around, but as soon as someone else turns up they leave you.

I've already turned my back on the balloon poppers of this world long ago. Now it's the in between people that have to go. They drain my energy and, in some ways, make me even more sad than the balloon poppers.

I might end up alone, but alone is a lot better than being sad. I still have a few angels in my life and I hope you know who you are. I'll just wave goodbye to the in between people even though they probably won't even know I'm gone. And it's probably best to keep it that way.

It's been a few weeks and now I feel more up to talking about what happened to me lately. From the first shocking phone call to the last trip before it's all gone.

One morning, I woke up quite early to the sound of the ringing. It was the police telling me that my cottage was on fire. They didn't know more than that, but would call me back. Several hours later they called back and told me they had managed to put out the fire. I was in shock but the only thing that was on my mind was to go there and find out about the damage.

The police told me I wasn't allowed to go there until the technical investigation was over and would call me back. The next day I heard from them again telling me that they were unable to conduct the investigation just yet, it needed to cool down first. By that time, everything was chaos for me. I wasn't allowed to go there and no one knew anything.

A couple of weeks of waiting followed. It was Christmas and apparently they had so many fires to investigate and the insurance company didn't have time to conduct their own investigation. Someone sent me photographs of the exterior. It was terrible to see your cute little cottage in that state. The kitchen window was hanging half way out in the garden all black. Where the newly built extension had been was only a pile of burned something. The small new windows in the newly repaired attic were crashed and the room inside seemed all black. I cried.

I was finally allowed to go there, when they insurance company came to assess the situation. The first time I was able to see for myself was a shock. The pictures I'd seen were nothing compared to seeing it with my own eyes. It wasn't just the kitchen window. Half of the kitchen was gone and so was half of the attic. It was almost surrealistic watching it snow where I used to cook.

Next shock was to see the living room. No one can imagine the horror of seeing their belongings all black in a totally black room. The soot was covering the floor, the walls and the ceiling as well as some of the furniture. What used to be wallpaper and paint was hanging in black stripes from walls and ceiling. My mind was went almost blank as I followed the woman from the insurance company around. "Not worth saving", "It needs to be torn down", "Not of any value", "Not insured highly enough" were some of the bits and pieces I managed to pick up.

NOT Of ANY VALUE! This was my cottage she was talking about. It used to be my home during my time at the university. It had value, a lot of value to me. I started to see everything with her eyes. Of course I wouldn't be able to save anything from that disaster. I left there with only a few keepsakes from the undamaged room and the knowledge that the cottage would have to be torn down and that I wouldn't get enough money to rebuild it.

I wasn't in any shape to do anything for a long time. Christmas was coming and I tried to block out everything that had to do with the fire until after the holidays, but first day after Christmas I found some people that could help me move my smoke smelling furniture from the cottage. They were amazing. They worked fast and were very nice to me when I pointed at all the black things that I wasn't ready to part with. When I finally had all the furniture home I started to think more clearly. What I had been afraid of was burned and damaged wood was just soot. Most of it cleaned off really easily and the rest can be repainted. So much for no value...

Then the next problem occurred to me. I had a lot of textiles in my drawers. The wood had taken up so much water when they tried to put out the fire that I couldn't open them. I knew that if I waited until spring to get them opened, I'd lose what was inside them. So for weeks now I've tried to warm the drawers enough to open them. Yesterday I managed to open two of them. Only two left now. Just hoping it won't be too late. Some of the textiles had started to smell funny and that wasn't from the smoke.

The day before yesterday I went to see the cottage one last time before it will be torn down. I wanted to make sure that I had brought everything that was worth saving only to realize that I had forgotten more than I thought I had. The chest of drawers with the marble top for instance that I had believed was beyond saving was actually not damaged at all. Sooty but not burned. I filled my rucksack with all the little things that were left and moved the furniture to the barn. I don't have a car and will wait until spring to bring the last things to my mother's home. I was happy to see that the two stools that my late grandfather had built weren't too badly damaged.

Yesterday things sort of fell apart for me. I thought it was all over. That I had actually handled all the difficulties pretty well. I spent most of the day crying and wasn't able to do any of the things I had planned to do. I think that all the tension I had felt the last weeks left me and I started to feel again. The crying was good for me. It was like I had a good cleansing that was washing away all the sadness. There were actually things to be grateful about. No one was hurt. I was able to save a lot of things from the cottage and even though I won't get money enough to rebuild it. I still have the land. And the money I'll get from the insurance will improve my difficult financial situation a little. I'll survive this:)

Things haven't been so good for me lately. To tell the truth things haven't been good for a very long time. And for a really long time, I've mourned the life I never had and maybe never will get. I don't know how, but lately I've realized that it's time to move on. I can't continue like this so I've decided I must make a lot of changes in my life. I thought for a long time and came up with this:

- Don't compare yourself with anyone else!

I really need to remind myself about this. It's no use trying to become someone other than yourself. Other people have much more experience in being them and you would only end up miserable if you tried.

- See yourself through your own eyes not someone else's.

You're the only one who knows enough to form a good enough opinion about yourself and what you do. Everyone else makes assumptions according to their own experiences but can't really understand. So why let them criticize you? They have no right and no ability to anyway.

- Set big goals and let it take as long as you need to reach them.

Working towards a goal (maybe more than one) is important. They will give you a sense of doing something important. And you know what? It is important! It's your life and you only have one.

- Just don't forget about the smaller things in life.

When you focus on those big goals it's easy to forget about the hidden gems in your life. Waiting until your bigger goals have been reached makes it easy to forget about the present. For instance, imagine the luxury in a pot of fresh brewed tea.

- Focus on the positive things and try to use your negative experiences for something good.

Even if you've had many sad experiences in your life constantly feeling sorry for yourself won't help. If you feel sorry for yourself, the same thing hits you several times over.

- Live in the present as much as possible.

If you're always thinking about what happened in the past (good experiences or bad) you're missing the present. Be pleased about the good things in the past, but focus on today. I't's now you're shaping the future you're dreaming about.

- Focus on what's good in your life.

You may want to change a lot of things in your life and many sad things may have happened to you, but that's exactly what's preventing you from making changes. They make you weak and stop you from creating the life you want to have. The positive things you have in your life are the things that make you strong. If your old friends don't care about you anymore, forget about them and move on. If you don't have that many friends, become your own best friend and focus on the friends that really means something.

My future starts today and I'm shaping it!

--

about something that wasn’t supposed to happen. What do you do when you find out things that are too hard to cope with? When your life get shattered? At the moment I don’t know what to do.

When you lose your job you lose so much more than "just" the money. At first, when I lost my job, there were many practical things to deal with. Since I live in a very bureaucratic country one of my first tasks was to fill in forms and collect certificates that had to be delivered to the right addresses. The job center, the union etc. I had to prove that I was really unemployed, that I didn't have any hidden income and that I was able and "willing" to "take" a job. Willing - of course I was willing, otherwise I would starve. Starvation feeds willingness. And to "take" a job - of course I would be happy to "take" any job that was offered to me, but after applying to more jobs than I can remember it's obvious that no one will.

It's not only the financial part that gets you down. When you have to think about if you can take that bus or if you can't because you need to buy groceries and pay the bills. What also happens is that you risk losing yourself. You tend to keep to yourself so you won't have to answer the traditional questions or respond when people take things for granted.

"What do you DO all day?"

What do they think? Applying for jobs of course. Trying to find ways to cut costs. Baking and cooking to stay alive on a budget.

"Of course there are jobs if you want them." Sure there are jobs, but since I'm not the only one who's lost my job, there's a lot of us wanting a job. If there are 400 applicants for one position, you can do "everything" right and still not even get asked to come to an interview.

Another question that seems innocent, but that hurts a lot is 'What do you do? - meaning 'what kind of work do you do?'. I never felt that I WAS my job. What I worked with had nothing to do with who I was. But people do make that connection and when you don't have a job you stop being someone. From one day to another I went from being someone to being nothing.

I once had someone comment on my blog, telling me I should stop whining, get myself an education and get a job. I'm sure he was convinced that I was fresh out of school, too lazy to get an education. And that I was lazy and didn't want a job. At that time I had only been unemployed for about 2 weeks. I answered that and told him that I had been working in the same place since 1999. If I was so lazy, how come I had been working there for so long?

And as for getting an education - I'm sure I had a much better education than he did. Apart from my BA, I have read other subjects at the university as well other types of courses. He never answered me in my blog and didn't approve my comment in his blog. His comment says so much about how people in general view those who have lost their jobs. We're lazy, we don't want to "take" a job and we have been too lazy to get an education. And when someone challenges their opinions, their world view, if you like, they just stay away, nursing their own version of the truth.

The worst part, though, is that after a while, you start believing in those other people. Not about being lazy, I know I'm not. And not about not having an education, A quick look through my CV tells me that's not right. But that I'm a nobody, a nonperson. And I 'm afraid that other people will think so. I seem to find proof of that everyday. Other people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they won't see me anymore. No one calls, emails or keeps in touch. And when I don't even get an acknowledgement from companies where I've applied for jobs, then it does seem to confirm that their image of me is true. I have lost myself.

Oh I know, it sounds a bit like a cliché, but when I read about it on a website, I felt that it was talking directly to me. I know I would really need to change my life. I feel I've ended up in some kind of vacuum from where I don't know where to do next. Of course I have made plans and I'm working on putting them into effect, but if I don't believe in myself it will be difficult. That's why I've decidet to try this method I found on that website. Today is the first day of the 7 step program. The idea is to do this programs several times and if it works out I will:).

DAY 1: Re-charge - A Day of Commitment

Clean out your old thought patterns. Don't think: "I can't", or "why does this always happen to me?". Instead, try to find solutions where you only used to see problems. Try to think: "I can do this", "I know I'm good at this".

Create a mental hideway where you feel safe when you need to recharge your batteries. It could be a meadow on a beautiful summer day or a deserted shore or whatever suits your needs. If you start to fall back on your old negative thoughts then withdraw to your own private place.

Put on some music you like. Shut out the ordinary life for a little while and just take care of yourself. Visit your own place and start your journey towards a better life. It's your life so don't let other people or your own negative thoughts stop you from living the life you could be living. I'm already on my way to a better life.:)

Eddie is only 4 years old and he spends every day in a virtual world. No, I’m not talking about the average computer game player, but the Artificial Intelligence created at Rensselaer Artificial Intelligence and Reasoning Lab. Eddie is programmed to reason and to predict other people’s actions and has also passed a few reasoning tests. Eddie or really, Edd Hifeng, isn’t yet walking around in Second Life, but it’s possible to talk to him. When I tried to contact him the other day, he wasn’t online so I couldn’t meet him “face-to-face”. Imagine meeting this new lifeform in a way, a first contact.

The researchers of the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute aren’t planning to leave little Eddie in the virtual world. They are working to bring him to us in real life. But first he’ll play in the 3D world of Second Life so he can grow and learn about how to be more like us. Eddie is part of a bigger project that Renselelaer is working on. It’s a holodec project like in the scifi series StarTrek. So our “first contact” might not be in Second Life, but in a holodec and a full size Eddie or someone else. The future awaits us and it looks really promising.

I've blacked out my avatar, protesting the new internet law in New Zealand: http://creativefreedom.org.nz/blackout.html

My Mac died today and with it, all those files I should have backed-up ages ago. I have been promising myself for a long time that I will never let that happen again and still it did. I let it happen. All those files I had gathered during the months I have had it. Since I always do lots of things on the computer and since I'm unemployed I had a lot saved on it.

There was this folder with photos all sorted after date and camera. Everything is gone. I had several wordpress themes with photoshop files needed for it all half-ready. They are gone too. Other graphics, finished or half finished. Gone too. And of course all notes and my calendar and info about mail servers etc. It feels like half of my life is gone.

But the worst part is that all my ideas for stories and half finished stories are gone and my almost finished novel. I have never in my life finished a novel and this was almost done. I would have sent it in to publishing companies this spring. Now I don't know how to go on. How do I start over?

Today is now
Hoping, wishing, dreaming
Waiting for the day that never comes

Life is short
Crying, longing, missing
Mourning the yesterday that was never there

The future is here
Living, laughing, trying
Searching for tomorrow, drifting through the mist

I got invited to insanejournal by my sister. This seems to be a great place and I love the look of my new journal. The client I'm using to post, iJournal, seems to be working really well so far. I'll be back to fill out more of my profile and post other things later.