Musings of the Silver Cat

When you lose your job you lose so much more than "just" the money. At first, when I lost my job, there were many practical things to deal with. Since I live in a very bureaucratic country one of my first tasks was to fill in forms and collect certificates that had to be delivered to the right addresses. The job center, the union etc. I had to prove that I was really unemployed, that I didn't have any hidden income and that I was able and "willing" to "take" a job. Willing - of course I was willing, otherwise I would starve. Starvation feeds willingness. And to "take" a job - of course I would be happy to "take" any job that was offered to me, but after applying to more jobs than I can remember it's obvious that no one will.

It's not only the financial part that gets you down. When you have to think about if you can take that bus or if you can't because you need to buy groceries and pay the bills. What also happens is that you risk losing yourself. You tend to keep to yourself so you won't have to answer the traditional questions or respond when people take things for granted.

"What do you DO all day?"

What do they think? Applying for jobs of course. Trying to find ways to cut costs. Baking and cooking to stay alive on a budget.

"Of course there are jobs if you want them." Sure there are jobs, but since I'm not the only one who's lost my job, there's a lot of us wanting a job. If there are 400 applicants for one position, you can do "everything" right and still not even get asked to come to an interview.

Another question that seems innocent, but that hurts a lot is 'What do you do? - meaning 'what kind of work do you do?'. I never felt that I WAS my job. What I worked with had nothing to do with who I was. But people do make that connection and when you don't have a job you stop being someone. From one day to another I went from being someone to being nothing.

I once had someone comment on my blog, telling me I should stop whining, get myself an education and get a job. I'm sure he was convinced that I was fresh out of school, too lazy to get an education. And that I was lazy and didn't want a job. At that time I had only been unemployed for about 2 weeks. I answered that and told him that I had been working in the same place since 1999. If I was so lazy, how come I had been working there for so long?

And as for getting an education - I'm sure I had a much better education than he did. Apart from my BA, I have read other subjects at the university as well other types of courses. He never answered me in my blog and didn't approve my comment in his blog. His comment says so much about how people in general view those who have lost their jobs. We're lazy, we don't want to "take" a job and we have been too lazy to get an education. And when someone challenges their opinions, their world view, if you like, they just stay away, nursing their own version of the truth.

The worst part, though, is that after a while, you start believing in those other people. Not about being lazy, I know I'm not. And not about not having an education, A quick look through my CV tells me that's not right. But that I'm a nobody, a nonperson. And I 'm afraid that other people will think so. I seem to find proof of that everyday. Other people are so wrapped up in their own worlds that they won't see me anymore. No one calls, emails or keeps in touch. And when I don't even get an acknowledgement from companies where I've applied for jobs, then it does seem to confirm that their image of me is true. I have lost myself.

Oh I know, it sounds a bit like a cliché, but when I read about it on a website, I felt that it was talking directly to me. I know I would really need to change my life. I feel I've ended up in some kind of vacuum from where I don't know where to do next. Of course I have made plans and I'm working on putting them into effect, but if I don't believe in myself it will be difficult. That's why I've decidet to try this method I found on that website. Today is the first day of the 7 step program. The idea is to do this programs several times and if it works out I will:).

DAY 1: Re-charge - A Day of Commitment

Clean out your old thought patterns. Don't think: "I can't", or "why does this always happen to me?". Instead, try to find solutions where you only used to see problems. Try to think: "I can do this", "I know I'm good at this".

Create a mental hideway where you feel safe when you need to recharge your batteries. It could be a meadow on a beautiful summer day or a deserted shore or whatever suits your needs. If you start to fall back on your old negative thoughts then withdraw to your own private place.

Put on some music you like. Shut out the ordinary life for a little while and just take care of yourself. Visit your own place and start your journey towards a better life. It's your life so don't let other people or your own negative thoughts stop you from living the life you could be living. I'm already on my way to a better life.:)

Eddie is only 4 years old and he spends every day in a virtual world. No, I’m not talking about the average computer game player, but the Artificial Intelligence created at Rensselaer Artificial Intelligence and Reasoning Lab. Eddie is programmed to reason and to predict other people’s actions and has also passed a few reasoning tests. Eddie or really, Edd Hifeng, isn’t yet walking around in Second Life, but it’s possible to talk to him. When I tried to contact him the other day, he wasn’t online so I couldn’t meet him “face-to-face”. Imagine meeting this new lifeform in a way, a first contact.

The researchers of the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute aren’t planning to leave little Eddie in the virtual world. They are working to bring him to us in real life. But first he’ll play in the 3D world of Second Life so he can grow and learn about how to be more like us. Eddie is part of a bigger project that Renselelaer is working on. It’s a holodec project like in the scifi series StarTrek. So our “first contact” might not be in Second Life, but in a holodec and a full size Eddie or someone else. The future awaits us and it looks really promising.

I've blacked out my avatar, protesting the new internet law in New Zealand: http://creativefreedom.org.nz/blackout.html

My Mac died today and with it, all those files I should have backed-up ages ago. I have been promising myself for a long time that I will never let that happen again and still it did. I let it happen. All those files I had gathered during the months I have had it. Since I always do lots of things on the computer and since I'm unemployed I had a lot saved on it.

There was this folder with photos all sorted after date and camera. Everything is gone. I had several wordpress themes with photoshop files needed for it all half-ready. They are gone too. Other graphics, finished or half finished. Gone too. And of course all notes and my calendar and info about mail servers etc. It feels like half of my life is gone.

But the worst part is that all my ideas for stories and half finished stories are gone and my almost finished novel. I have never in my life finished a novel and this was almost done. I would have sent it in to publishing companies this spring. Now I don't know how to go on. How do I start over?

Today is now
Hoping, wishing, dreaming
Waiting for the day that never comes

Life is short
Crying, longing, missing
Mourning the yesterday that was never there

The future is here
Living, laughing, trying
Searching for tomorrow, drifting through the mist

I got invited to insanejournal by my sister. This seems to be a great place and I love the look of my new journal. The client I'm using to post, iJournal, seems to be working really well so far. I'll be back to fill out more of my profile and post other things later.